Dear Les,  

You know all those times you watch TV and worry that maybe you have the same disease as that person on “ER.” Guess what? You didn’t. And you probably never will. But the time that you and everyone else ascribes your feeling lousy as stress is the time that you really will get kicked in the ass by illness. And it’s going to suck really bad a lot of time. And you are going to get incredibly ticked off when prime time hospital dramas turn into reality TV for you.  

In my eyes, I see the long red hair that you only ever cut out of necessity. You’re a unique mix of Anne of Green Gables and Sandra Bullock’s character in “Miss Congeniality” – stubborn, tempered, smart, emotional, and well, admit it, you’re a pretty big klutz. But when you do things, you do them with your whole heart and that’s an important trait to have. Not taking risks doesn’t preserve you from danger. It only makes it worse when you are finally felled by some invisible foe that you never imagined.

I think back to that time, I think you were around five then. You took the train to Toronto and you chronicled the journey on a Sony tape recorder. Even then everyone knew you were going to go places…  One question I keep forcing myself to ask is - would I have been any more prepared for this at another age? And the answer is a resounding no. I think that maybe if I were older and more settled in my life, things might have been easier in some ways, but harder in others. The truth is it would have rocked my foundation no matter what. Sometimes, there are things in life that inevitably make us question the validity of everything we thought we knew. And now, my demons bear down on me and take many forms. They are the result of a squandered youth. You don’t want to be that person who was always too mature for her age and then end up being forced to really grow up in an instant. But no matter how hard you try, that is what is going to happen. 

So I know that, technically, I’m still a “younger” self, but here’s all the advice and words of wisdom I’m capable of giving…Think about the last time and place you felt safe and really comfortable in your own skin. Go there in your mind.  Don’t think about the person you want to be, become that person. When you look back, don’t regret the road not taken. Think of all the lessons you learned along the road you did take. Embrace your fears, your insecurities. Use them to your advantage, don’t let others use you. You know what, little girl? You came of age in a turbulent world. A world full of uncertainty at every turn. Rather than fear it, embrace the unknown and let it carry you. In my heart I know that while it may take time, lots of time, you’re going to be okay!

Someday you will stand taller than your 4’11”.  You are stronger and braver than most people give your credit for.  Don’t judge others in ways you, yourself, don’t want to be judged.  Don’t assume things based on people’s appearances. As you know first hand, appearances can be deceiving.   The path you travel will be a rocky one. But although sporadic, there will be people to cheer you on along the way. It’s easier to listen to the dissenters rather than the cheerleaders, but the cheerleaders will make you strong.   And do me a favor, will you? Before you get too busy with others, think about yourself (for a change). Don’t be afraid to take risks – not stupid risks, but necessary ones.  The things you will regret most will be the things filed under “peer  pressure”. When you followed others and did not listen to yourself, those are the times you wish you could take back. 

I honestly can’t believe I’m saying this, but… REBEL. Do it before it’s too late--before the only rebelling you can do will be going against “doctor’s orders”. Before rebelling actually will impact your life and your health. Don’t go crazy, but do go against the grain. Stray from the path once in awhile.  Wear Your Flaws Like A Badge Of Honor. 

Your Best and Worst Critic, 

 Leslie