During a recent speech at Novartis in Cambridge, MA, a special woman was listening remotely from an office in New Jersey: Meryl  Zausner. Meryl is the Chief Financial Officer of Novartis Corporation and a member of the company’s Executive Committee. She’s also one of the first executive women I worked with on a letter, destined to be read in one of my first seminars at the Healthcare Businesswomen’s Association‘s national conference.

After the speech she explained to everyone that the theme of her letter was saying “No” to ever escalating demands in a highly successful career. Or at least saying “No” to some of them. Who dares say turn down more responsibility, more pats on the back and more prestige, especially in our queasy era of year-round cutbacks and layoffs? Hardly anyone. This isn’t a message you hear very often in Corporate America.

Meryl also told us that she’d recently been offered a job that required more travel and responsibilities and that she’d said “No.”  After a pause, she added:“And I’m still here.” Everyone laughed.

In honor of Meryl, I wanted to share her letter to her younger self. The background is that in 1986 Meryl’s husband, Stuart, was diagnosed with a tumor a few months after their marriage. In 1991, six months after the birth of their first child, the tumor returned.  Stuart went through a number of experimental treatments and continued to work, for the most part, every day. But eventually he lost the battle. Meryl’s letter is addressed to herself at 43, a few months after Stuart’s death in 1999 when her son, Ethan, was 9.

Dear Meryl,

There are so many lessons you learned from those years that you were caring for the ailing love of your life while raising a child and trying to keep your career going. You always knew somewhere in the back of your mind that Stuart’s illness would progress and that eventually he would leave you and Ethan.

Now that Stuart is gone, you do not have too many regrets about how you handled day-to-day life during those last two years of his life. But you know you sometimes used work as an escape from life. Still, it was best for him that you worked, so that you could give yourself completely to him when you were home, as well as pay the mounting bills.

Now that Stuart is gone, you are trying to resurrect the ambition you had before he fell ill and, being the sole breadwinner, you’re also trying to provide a comfortable and safe life for Ethan. But I want you do something even harder: stop traveling and working so much. Recently you had to fire your babysitter on the same day you had to leave on a trip to Switzerland. You had nobody to leave Ethan with, so you deposited him with your 18 year-old niece. You should have cancelled the trip and stayed home with him.

Now that Stuart is gone, realize that you need to spend more time with Ethan. Kids grow up so fast and they can do this without you but he really needs you.  Although he is young, he watches the events around him and becomes scared that you will leave him too.

Now that Stuart is gone, try to have enough self-confidence to put your life first. When you negotiate the terms of a job ask for more support, cut the travel time required, and request that you be allowed to take Ethan with you sometimes when you do travel. You will continue to need to be reminded that your life deserves equal footing, no, better than equal footing with your job. Because even though teenagers seem to want you only when they want chauffeur service or spending money, it’s important that you be present. You are the parent. Keep remembering that that job title never changes.

With understanding,

Meryl