Hi. So, this is weird, right? Me talking to you from the future? I know what you’re thinking and the answer is no. Doc Brown is not here. Christopher Lloyd had absolutely nothing to do with this. The kids at SpunkyBean do. In case you are wondering, SpunkyBean is a website. And in case you’re wondering what a website is…we haven’t the time. You’ll find out later, when you’re about fourteen and you’ve become obsessed with a band called Silverchair, how cool websites really can be. And you’ll never look back.
So, there are some things you should know.
- 1. For starters, you are not working as a waitress like you always wanted. Close though---you’re an actress! That basically means you work jobs that are not so fun, so you can have fun on the weekends and get paid very little for it. Don’t worry though…you’re happy. And you’re not shy anymore. It just sort of…happened after high school. I’d advise you into coming out of that shell a bit earlier. I’ve regretted not doing so, and also not continuing on with dance classes. Those will be so important later on in life.
- 2. You will not marry Macaulay Culkin…at least, not by the time you hit your late 20’s. Don’t worry, though. You don’t want to, believe me. He’s much cuter as a kid than he is as an adult. Enjoy it while it lasts.
- 3. Look, the family is crazy, but in a good way. You’re going to have to deal with a few more bumps in the road before you can appreciate all their flaws as comedy gold. But the time will come. You’ll be insanely proud of the dysfunction once you hit college.
- 4. You’re going to have two stepbrothers. That’s going to happen pretty soon actually. Cherish the moments you have with them, even when they annoy you. You’ll thank me later. There are quite a few other loved ones that you should hold extremely close to your heart. Never waste a day, and always let them know you love them. It’s so important.
- 5. You’re not like your peers. I know you’ve always felt different, and that’s because you are different. That feeling will never go away, but you’re going to embrace it. Embrace it early, and you’ll be a lot happier.
- 6. You’ll soon find that getting a boyfriend will be the least of your worries. Your infatuations with celebrities will always be more fun and less heartbreaking. Real boys are icky.
- 7. They won’t play ‘1999’ by Prince at your high school graduation, because the administration sucks. Prepare today, or you’ll be bitter for years to come.
- 8. You will get to go to England. I promise. And I’m still working on Australia.
- 9. To hell with what people say about it being bad for you and keep watching TV. You love it. Who cares? You can read. There’s no need to flaunt it, right? Everything in moderation.
- 10. There’s going to be hard times and pain, but you need it. It will all make you stronger, not to mention funnier. And when you move to Las Vegas (Not the space Vegas that the Jetsons vistited that time) and thenChicago (Yes, where Adventure in Babysitting was filmed), you’re going to use that funny.
There are so many other things I want to tell you, but I want there to be surprises as well. You’re going to love your 20’s, without question. Be bold. Be quirky. Be you. Who cares what other people think? Read The Lord of the Rings and this series named Harry Potter when it’s released. Have fun and enjoy your family and friends. That’s really all I can think of to say right now. Until we meet again…
Love,
Yourself (age 27)
P.S. Leg warmers come back in style. And it’s awesome.
EJ's Letter
Hey there, high school EJ.
I know the first question that you have about the future, and yes, The Simpsons is still on. I’m not sure you can even handle knowing about the movie just yet, but it will be awesome. Also, those Star Wars prequels do get made, but they are going to suck. Trust me when I tell you, though, that they suck enough that it doesn’t even make you sad. Just bored and irritated, mostly. They’re more than balanced out by the Spider-Mantrilogy, so it all works out. (Yeah, you read that right.)
I can’t really give you any specific advice, as that would shatter the space-time continuum. If you make any changes to your life, it’s possible that future me would cease to exist, and I can’t have that. Sure, this could be like Desmond’s flashbacks and we’ll still end up at the same point, but I can’t risk that. I know that you don’t know who Desmond is yet, but just wait it out. Wow, you’re not really going to get many of my references, now that I think about it. No Dwight Schrute, Paulie Walnuts, or Dale Gribble. You don’t even know who Bob and David are yet.
Oh, actually here’s one thing I can risk. Before you buy another Yes album, pick up a copy of Bone Machine. This classic rock phase of yours isn’t going to last long, and you might as well end it now and save yourself another year or two of regrettable CD purchases.
Anyway, since I’m unwilling to destroy reality by altering the past, I’m just going to give you some insight into your future. First off, I know you get through the day by telling yourself that certain things are going to happen. I know you think one day you’re going to get it all figured out. You’re going to be good with women, you’re going to have a great, creative job. And then, when the reunion comes around, you’re going to be the most successful person there, and it’ll all have been worth it.
Here’s the thing: None of that is true. I probably should have told you to sit down, actually. I’m coming to you from the bold world of 2008 to tell you that you are going to stay awkward, you’re going to spend your time working in an industry you don’t actually care about, and you’re not going to do any better than middle class. And that reunion? Prepare to see a lot of people who made your life miserable who are successful and happy. You don’t get the girl, you don’t get the promotion. If you could get a look at your future self, you would be devastated.
But what you need to know is that it doesn’t matter. At some point, it’s going to come together. It’s not going to happen overnight, but it’s going to happen. You’re going to get comfortable with who you are. (Who we are? The grammar is so difficult here.) You’ve got this really great discovery ahead of you where you realize that you like who you are, and you like your priorities, and you’re going to realize that you are who you want to be. I know you don’t believe me. I wouldn’t have believed it at your age either. Trust me on this. You’ve got a dark few years ahead of you, but when it clicks, you’ll know it.
Let me tell you, when I look back at the guy I was and you are, I’m not embarrassed. Sure, you’re a dork. But you’re true to yourself. You’re basically a good guy, and I don’t look back with horror at my early years the way a lot of other people do. Some people have to deal with the crappy things that they did in high school – whether they hurt others or just themselves. I can live with the knowledge that I wore that Tick button every day for three years.
You’re not rich and famous, but you get to do some cool stuff. You perform comedy in front of actual people. You’re writing for a website with a bunch of great people who care about the same stuff that you care about. (Oh yeah, you don’t really know what a website is. Get ready to have your mind blown.) You work on some goofy-ass film projects with some really creative people, and sometimes that means you’re walking downtown in a karate outfit, pushing a TV set in a wheelbarrow. You’re happy in a way that you can’t really wrap you mind around just yet.
I don’t want to blow the surprises that are waiting for you, but you are going to meet some of the best friends of your life in the stupidest situations and venues. Here’s one hint: Karaoke. Yeah, and that’s not even the biggest surprise. When you’re at your lowest, somebody who has no good reason to give a crap about you is going to help turn it all around. After that, you’re going to be happy with yourself, and it all starts to work.
That’s really all I can tell you right now. I know you’re going to make it because, you know, I remember it happening. You’re not going to have what you want right now, but you’re going to find out that you want what you have. (Yeah, you’re going to keep those Rolling Stones albums.)
In closing, let me tell you three things that will make your future a little brighter:
- 1. That dude who beats the hell out of you on a weekly basis? Come the ten year reunion, he’s fat, drunk, and unemployed.
- 2. You are going to, one day, high-five Bruce Campbell.
- 3. I repeat, freaking Spider-Man movies!
Ever yours,
Future EJ
Kevin's Letter
Dear Kevin,
It’s you from the future. Just thought I’d write a letter and say hi. But before I begin, do me a favor and throw away that Good Charlotte CD. Actually, break it into a million pieces and then burn those pieces. You’re going to regret ever listening to them, I promise. There is so much more out there for you to listen to. Plus, you can look really cool by knowing all these underground bands that none of your friends know.
OK, so high school sucks, I know. Really though, you’re making it worse than it actually is. People actually want you around, so listen to them. Just have fun, it gets better. But I must warn you: when you go egging with Brendan, your car is going to miraculously stop working and you have to run. Unfortunately, they will get your license plate and call the cops. You didn’t get any charges pressed against you, but it was embarrassing and you were grounded for two weeks. Mom’s going to tell that story at many family gatherings and it is still embarrassing to this day. So avoid that, please. Speaking of embarrassment, always clear the history on the internet so Mom doesn’t see what sites you visited last night at 2 am.
When you go to college, don’t stay in every weekend with your girlfriend. You guys break up later anyway and you will realize that she was a waste of time. You will do a lot of things that you enjoy, but there are plenty more opportunities that you missed because of her.
Don’t take the required courses for teacher education because you don’t want to be a teacher. Instead, spend that time taking acting classes or more video courses. Also, when Adam and Erica break up, don’t take his side. He’s not a very good friend and in a few years Erica becomes one of your better friends and you feel guilty for the things you’ve said.
Oh and guess what? You know how someone told you that beer is an acquired taste and you said “yeah right”. He was right, it’s great. Of course, don’t bother with that Busch Light garbage. Spend the few extra dollars and drink real stuff. I mean, you’re going to take out more than you need in student loans so you have money to spend. Since we’re on the topic of money, just know that it can hit red 14 times in a row, so take your blackjack winnings and go home. Two hundred dollars is a lot of money.
Also, when you’re coming home from the Chili Peppers concert, there’s a cop on 127. Slow down, or else your bank account will drop to zero.
One final thought: When Allison comes up to school to visit and you have a good night, don’t get back with your ex a few days later. It’s not a smart idea. Things will work out with Allison later, but just try to skip that whole fiasco altogether.
Sincerely,
You from 2008
P.S. The Freshman Fifteen is real.
P.S.S. You know that website you want to create? The one where kids send letters to Santa and you write them back? Yeah, create it, or else someone else will (and he will make some good money).
Don's Letter
Dear Don,
If my calculations are correct you will receive this letter immediately after you saw the DeLorean struck by lightning. First, let me assure you that I am alive and well. I've been living happily these past 8 months in the year 1885. I have buried the DeLorean in the abandoned Delgado Mine. Do not, I repeat, do not attempt to come back here to 1885 get me.
Wouldn't that be awesome if that could actually happen? You gotta admit my hiring of a Western Union guy to deliver you this letter precisely at the conclusion of Back to the Future II at Studio 28's midnight showing is still pretty clever, huh? Admit it. I had you for a moment. Don't wonder how I arranged this from the future. Gimme a break.
So ...its 1989 where you are. This past year saw you move to a new school in a new city and, if I recall, things are pretty tough for you right now. Right? Junior year has started and you failed to make the varsity soccer team, cut in favor of some far inferior player because he's a sophomore and coach thinks it'll benefit the team if a younger player can get in early and have more years with the varsity, right? Don't quit. Keep working hard. Some really awesome things will happen if you do, but more than that, the guys on the team will be some of the best friends you'll ever have. But I didn't make the team, so how will that happen, you ask? Sorry, I have to be vague because if I tell you what's going to happen you may not work hard enough. Here's a hint: switch to defense.
I almost didn't write this letter because your life turns out totally awesome. Though hard to believe, you get better looking with age, smarter, and you never lose your hair. Still ...condition, condition, condition. Listen to gangsta-rap because its awesome, but don't take it too literally. Relax. When you are soon presented with an option between 'right' and 'really, really wrong' ...choose 'right.' Don't shoplift cassette singles even though it's easy and makes your friends laugh. Most of the 'cassingles' you shoplift suck, anyway.
Like I said, you live a pretty charmed life. But never forget to count your blessings. If this 35-year-old Don could say one thing to his 16-year-old self, it'd be to cast your fear and doubts aside. You know right now you want to be a writer (ok, actually that's probably still listed behind your well defined goal of 'being just like Michael J Fox in Secret of My Success or Charlie Sheen in Wallstreet'). Don't quit the high school musical your senior year because you don't get a lead role. Don't quit the campus radio station because you're stuck on overnights. Don't say you'll try theater, stand-up, improv, and every exhilarating thing you're thinking until 'next year'. Do it now.
College will be the greatest time you can ever imagine having, but believe it or not it'll be even better if you put in just the tiniest, slightest efforts towards your studies. I'm not saying work so hard you make straight 4.0s, but 2.5s will do.
Basically, what I'm saying is this: trust your gut. And don't fear failure. You'll learn 'fear' is nothing more than something you imagine might happen, someday, and though it won't be too late, if you could learn it a bit sooner, who knows how rich and famous I'll be tomorrow morning when I wake up (see, because my advice to you now will change the space-time continuum in my favor).
And, finally, ask Kathy Bulkowski to the prom. Trust me.
Love,
Your kick-ass future self.
p.s. Ah, hell with it. What's the point of a future letter if you can't cheat. Attend Boston College instead of Michigan Sate and make sure you meet Amy Poehler. One thing you're good at is 'making friends' so she'll totally like you. Don't over-do it on the charm ...be cool ...but stick close to her. This chick is awesome and I'm guessing in 1992 and 1993, she's totally accessible. If she sees you as talented and clever, you'll be big time someday. If that doesn't happen for you, do whatever it takes short of killing someone to land an internship at The Daily Show in 1996. No matter what happens, don't leave until 1999 or later, but if you simply be-yourself and put your nose into everything going on, I have no doubt you'll be as successful in the entertainment industry as you are in the industry you (I) end up choosing. Also, keep an ear out for 'host' auditions for a show called American Idol and get that job. An empire awaits the person who lands that gig. Forget the first part of this letter, actually ...except the part about asking Kathy to the prom. She'll be an awesome wing-man on your journey, no matter what that journey ends-up looking like - she totally already wants to go to Boston College so imagine having Amy Poehler over for dinner parties at yours and Kathy's house ...that means nothing to you now, but someday it will and it will make people jealous of you. Yes. You never grow out of that either. You'll always want everyone to envy you - don't worry, according to Freud, its healthy to have a healthy ego. For what it's worth, I envy you because I know how awesome the next 19 years of your life are going to be. Take care. Give Mom a huge hug and kiss.
Nic's Letter
Dear Little Nic,
Okay, first thing. I just watched an old home movie yesterday to prepare for this letter, so I know what I'm dealing with. Kid, you are annoying. You are loud, obnoxious, and way too chubby for a kid your age. You need to calm down, quiet down, and stop stealing your little sister's gummi bears. Those are hers, you already ate yours. And stop doing that thing where you say something dumb that you think is funny really loud and when no one responds you just repeat yourself even louder. It's embarrassing to me. While watching these tapes, I realized that, if I had the power, I would go back in time and beat the crap out of you. Not in a mean way, just to put you in your place. I do of course realize that kicking the snot out of you is unnecessary, as life will do that to you brutally over the next decade or so.
Why am I so harsh? Because you grow up into kind of a wimp. With no fatherly influence over the course of your life, you do become a bit of a momma's boy. Whoops! Did you know your Dad was gonna die? Sorry, loose lips sink ships. Cancer. Starts in his lungs, spreads to his brains, scars you for life. You Mom gets remarried in a year to a Douchebag named Ron who steals money and treats you like crap for four years until he gets mysteriously sick and dies within a month. You did ask Granny to pray that he'd go away, so you do get your wish.
Speaking of Granny, enjoy all the time you have with her now. All those weekends spending the nights at her house with your Cee Cee, Andrea, and going to movies, cause it don't last. Nope, she's not dead. She has Alzheimer's, and is not even a shadow of the awesome lady she once was. It's like you're mourning her death while she is still alive. And all those fun times you had with Andrea, they are gone too. She ran away from home by jumping out her window to go do drugs and live with her boyfriend, Monkey. Sure, she has a new boyfriend now and is trying to patch things up now, but things will never really be the same.
Okay, wow, that really went to a darker place than I meant it too. I'm sorry little guy. Stop crying, here's a Kleenex. That's right, they are much softer in the future. You okay? Alright, I'll give you some good news from the future then.
Firstly, you are an actor! You've been in a lot of productions, some of them musicals, and you are usually the lead. That's right, your fear of public singing has cleared up! You have actually been paid to act, you are a professional! You've gone to school in Los Angeles and have trained with teachers from New York and London. You are actually trying to start your own independant theater company right now. It rocks.
You are a good writer and are now writing for a pop culture website (future thing) with an odd name that is just starting to get some public recognition. You've written several plays and short stories and are always working on more. Oh! And really good news, you've got to make out with quite a few girls. After the dry spell known as High School, it starts to storm, my friend. Your Mom is still awesome and she got married to a guy she met on the internet (another future thing) who is from England. He is cool, his name is Rob and he likes video games. They have a kid and now you have a little brother who is 15 years younger than you. He is awesome, his name is Robby and he is hilarious. And also, that idea you had about how cool it would be if you could play video games with someone in another house, or even in another country? We have that now. It's even better than you could have dreamed.
Before I go, here's some advice: go on a diet and exercise. I'd rather you deal with the weight issue back then than have me deal with it now. Don't bother with drama at your high school, go to auditions for community theater. You'd be way better off. Don't go to Iowa or Texas to meet up with on-line girlfriends. They both end up being crazy. Always go to any parade when the opportunity arises. I learned too late that it is always better to choose to do something than to not do something. If you are asked to do a chore, just do it. They will make you anyway, this way you don't end up in trouble as well. Don't ever believe anything that an Amway salesman tells you. Don't ever pay any fee for an agent, if they weren't a fraud, they would just make money off getting you work. Most importantly, learn when to stop. You are a very funny kid, but you need to know when enough is enough. There is a fine line between humorous and annoying, and you walk that tightrope for a long time before you learn to stay firmly on the humorous side. Oh, and learn to play an instrument. The piano, if you could. That would be cool. Thanks.
-Nic
